Eric Cartman: Self Appointed AntiChrist
by The Emmanator
Summary: It's Spring Break in South Park, and Cartman is intent on making himself the Anti-Christ before the weekend. Unfortunately, his plan goes awry when the Vatican kidnaps what he has rightfully stolen! Can the guys save Damien from being exorcised?
1. Chapter 1

Wee my first South Park fanfiction. Not ship-heavy or anything, but Kyle/Stan and Cartman/Wendy and leaned to. Basically, I'll be honest, it's a spoof on Nightmare Before Christmas. Cartman is Jack, Wendy is Sally, Damien is Santa Claus, etc.

* * *

Eric Cartman: Self-Appointed Anti-Christ

Chapter One: Any Type of Foresight

* * *

It was spring break for students at South Park High School. Everyone was out and about, some people had left Colorado all together, and Eric Cartman was not one of them.

If he possessed any type of foresight, he would've turned the TV off and gone to Raisin's and just forgotten about what was going on in his mind. You see, Eric Cartman was having an identity crisis.

He flipped channels at a slow pace, extremely bored and hoping that the TV would tell him what purpose he could fulfill. It wasn't that Cartman didn't like being Cartman, it was just that he had done so much, plotted so many get-rich-quick schemes, helped discover the cure for AIDS, and tried to take over South Park (and sometimes the world) numerous times since he was nine.

It felt a little redundant now. He needed some new calling to assist in his plans that would make then sure to succeed.

"Is your life feeling redundant? Do you need some new calling to assist in your plans that would make you sure to succeed?" a voiceover on the TV asked him.

"…That was specific," Cartman said, but the commercial disappeared, and was replaced with one that was being promoted by Satan.

"…Satan?" he asked himself, musing it over.

The pieces fell into place very, very quickly, and Cartman began to formulate the perfect plan. But a few moments into his plan formulating (and halfway through a Cheesy Poofs commercial) Cartman had hit a roadblock.

"How do I get down there to…?"

His cell phone rang, and Cartman looked at the display, cheerily flashing "Kenny", and had his solution.

--

Kenny waited patiently for Cartman to answer his phone, and when he finally said 'hello', Kenny was grateful. "Dude, you wanna go to Raisin's and throw some change on the ground to see if we can get Lexus to bend over?"

Pausing, Kenny listened to Cartman talk, and his eyes widened. "What? Dude! No! I can't do that! That's like a mega-permanent death wish!" he said.

There was a faint whine from the other line.

"That's _so _not cool, you know how mad he'll be? He'll probably destroy the entire fucking Earth if you pull that shit, man! No way am I helping you!"

Another pause.

"Fifty bucks? Really? You swear on your mother's life?" Kenny said. Then he sighed. "Fine, I'll be over there in ten minutes."

Kenny grabbed a jacket (his parka was destroyed when he was put through a wood-chipper about five years ago) and headed out the door, he didn't have a car, and Cartman only lived a street over anyway, so he walked.

Unfortunately for Kenny, as he was walking across the street towards Cartman's house, a bus came flying out of nowhere and promptly splattered him all over the pavement.

His spirit pulled itself out of his broken body, and he went on his way to hell. The line to get in was horrible, but since he was something of a regular, he didn't have to take the tour all the newbies did.

"Hey Karen," he said to the lady conducting the tour.

"Oh hey Kenny," she said.

"Where's Damien?"

"Seventh layer, do you need a lift?" she asked, gesturing to the little tram she had to conduct tours on. He nodded and jumped into the first seat, she joined him and all the new arrivals piled in behind them (it was a big tram, but it was still pretty cramped). The tour took forever, but getting to the seventh layer wasn't exactly a pleasant trek either.

When they finally got to the seventh layer, quite a few people got off the tram with Kenny, and he walked up to the towering Minotaur guard.

"Hey Bill, is Damien here?" he asked.

"He should be in Ring Three," the minotaur said, nodding.

Kenny crossed over a huge bridge, under which was a wide river of blood, and people splashing around and swimming. They all stopped and waved at Kenny, and he waved back. Once he got off the bridge, he had to get through the forest. The forest was ugly, there were numerous people hanging in nooses on the trees, and others with bleeding wrists or slit throats sitting under the trees having conversations. Out of the wood, he stepped onto a sandy beach, where he easily spotted Damien.

Damien had grown up, quite the same as all the kids in South Park, he was now taller, and his hair was longer, though he still wore all black, though he also sported a silver necklace with an upside-down cross on it. His father had bought it for his eleventh birthday and Damien had felt it would be sensible to actually wear it, as to not insult his dad's taste.

Kenny sat down beside him. "Hey Damien."

"Oh, hey Kenny," he said, turning and looking at Kenny. "You usually aren't down this far."

He just shrugged. "So I've got a proposition for you," he said.

Damien raised an eyebrow.

"Come back to Earth with me whenever I go back. Just to visit South Park."

"Why?"

"Just to visit," he said evasively. "You know. You haven't been to Earth in a while."

Nodding, Damien considered this. "I'd have to ask my dad, he's the reason I haven't been there recently. He thinks public high school just isn't safe anymore."

"It isn't," Kenny agreed. "But come on. We'll just call it a sleepover or something, you'll be back within a week or so!" he urged.

"I don't know, I haven't Dad how he feels about inter-dimensional sleepovers." But he stood up, and Kenny followed. "Dad's probably at home crying about his latest break up," he added.

"Already dude? Sucks."

It was quite a walk to Satan's house, and they had to knock several times before his advisor finally opened the door.

"Satan! Your bast- I mean son is here!"

"Shove it Frank," Damien said, walking in.

"Who are all these people, man?" Kenny asked. The mansion was unusually packed today, typically (the few times he had bothered to go inside) it was just Damien, Satan, and whoever Satan was dating at the time.

"My tutors," Damien said with a scowl.

"How many do you have?" Kenny exclaimed.

"Well, Einstein is my math tutor, Shakespeare is my English tutor," he said, gesturing to the two men. "Hitler is my art teacher," he continued pointing out Hitler. "Socrates and Plato are supposed to teach me philosophy by they typically just argue with each other during my lessons, Freud is my psychology teacher, and blames all my problems on my mother," he said.

"Well, she _was _a jackal," Kenny said.

Damien shrugged. "Sir Isaac Newton is my science teacher, there's Babe Ruth, he's my physical education teacher. Mozart is my music teacher," he said, he looked around. "One of those is my Feminist Literature tutor, but I don't pay attention to her at all. The other two are Home Economics, and I think that's about it." Kenny thought he was finished. "And Galileo is around here somewhere, he's my astronomy teacher. Even though you can't see the stars in hell."

Kenny laughed a little. "Well you're going to get the best education a budding Anti-Christ could ask for," he said, thumping Damien on the shoulder.

Damien grimaced. "Yeah I suppose. There's my father," he said, pointing to the unmistakable form of Satan.

"Damien! You're home early," he said.

"Yeah, I was just wondering if I could go back to Earth with Kenny for a couple of days, kinda like an inter-dimensional sleepover or something," he said.

Satan frowned. "Are you sure you want to?"

"Yeah, I mean. Hell is alright, dad, but I just need a change of scenary."

Still frowning, Satan considered it. "Alright. I'm sure you're old enough to handle yourself. If you need anything, don't hesitate to open a portal and come to me, alright? Pack clean underwear!" he added, his voice carrying as he headed down the hall.

Damien groaned. "Come on, I have to go grab some stuff from my room, then we'll go."

"Awesome," Kenny said.

Ten minutes later, Damien shifted the black backpack slung over his shoulder and opened a portal that led them onto the playground of South Park Elementary. The ten minute walk to Cartman's house was quiet.

"Why are we going to the fat kid's house?"

"We'll, it's going to be all five of us and Cartman has the biggest house," he said, shrugging. This was at least partly true. They climbed the stairs and found Kyle and Stan tacking up things around Cartman's door.

"Hey Kenny, you're back ear-" Kyle paused.

"Hi Damien?" Stan said, raising an eyebrow.

"Hello."

"Cartman's in there, so just go in," Kyle said with a shrug.

Kenny and Damien went inside, and the door shut behind them.

"What the fuck is going on?" Stan asked Kyle in an undertone.

Kyle shook his head. "I have a bad feeling about this."

Inside, Damien set down his things and fell back in a chair, and then Cartman started to laugh.

"I'm glad you could come!" he said from the bed, still trying to contain his laughter. "Damien, old pal, you're being kidnapped."

"What?"

"I'm taking your place as the Anti-Christ," Cartman said, smirking at the brilliance of his scheme.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Yay chapter two!

* * *

Eric Cartman; Self-Appointed Anti-Christ

Chapter 2: The Vatican is Always Plotting!

* * *

Cartman strolled down the main street of South Park towards the public library. He had gotten almost all of his plan worked out.

The most critical part was complete, and that was having Damien trapped in a location where he couldn't use his magic and kill them all and go back to hell. He had consulted a gypsy and gotten a few seals, they were plastered all over his bedroom and on the outsides of the door and window.

Now, he had to find a way to get adoption papers, and mail off his kidnapping notice to Satan. Luckily, Satan had a PO box.

To explain why he was going to the library, he was looking for the only person in South Park that would be able to help him with the adoption papers.

Wendy Testaburger.

"Watch where the fuck you're going, Cartman!" she shrieked as they collided, she hit the sidewalk rather hard.

"Get out of my way, ho, I need to get to the library and find W-" He stopped. "Oh. Well, while you're here," he said, looking down at her. He extended a hand to help her up and she looked at it warily. "Do you want to roll around on the sidewalk like the dirty hippie you are or are you going to appreciate my random act of kindness."

She snorted and grabbed his hand, and he pulled her to her feet. She gathered up her fallen books and glared at him. "What do you want?"

"I need you to find a way to get me certified adoption papers," he said.

"Why should I?"

"Because I'll remember it when I become the Anti-Christ and won't burn you in my fiery wrath?"

Wendy raised an eyebrow. "You're kidding right?"

He shook his head.

"Fine. I'll help you. But I don't think this plan is going to work," she said. "When do you need it?"

"Preferably by tomorrow night." He had scoped it out, and if he wanted to be the Anti-Christ before the end of Spring Break, he had to have everything in order by Wednesday, and today was Tuesday.

"I'll see what I can do," she said with a sigh.

Vaguely, Cartman pondered when Wendy had started rolling over so easily, but he didn't concern himself with it and walked onward to the Post Office. He just dumped his enveloped and stamped letter into a mailbox and turned to walk home.

Back at the Cartman household, Stan and Kyle were outside of the bedroom where the captive Damien was sitting. He hadn't put up much of a fight when he realized he couldn't use his magic, it seemed that Damien, like his father, was a bit of a pussy.

"What are we going to do, man?" Kyle asked his best friend, sounding concerned.

"I don't know, dude. I can't believe we fell for his bullshit again. 'A voodoo witch doctor is out to kill me', I mean really."

Kyle ran his hand through his Jewfro and sighed. "I fucking hate that fatass so much. We have to get Damien back to hell, and soon."

"Yeah…wait, where's Kenny?"

"I think he's in the kitchen." Shaking his head, Kyle stared at the wall thoughtfully. "Why does he need Damien anyway?"

Stan shrugged. "I have no fucking idea man. Kenny might know though."

"Yeah. Oi! Kenny!" Kyle yelled down the stairs.

"What?"

"What does Cartman want with Damien?"

"He wants to take over as the Anti-Christ!" Kenny shouted.

"What the hell? Where did he get an idea like that?" Stan said as Kenny came up the stairs, a tray of sandwiches in his hand.

"Some infomercial or something, I don't know dude," Kenny said, sounding exasperated.

"Is that all for you?"

"Well I told Mrs. Cartman it was for all of us, but for the most part year.

Stan and Kyle both snatched a sandwich for themselves, and Kenny opened the door. "I'm sharing with Damien too."

Damien, as it happened, was staring out of Cartman's bedroom window, looking forlorn.

"Here, have some food," he said, handing a sandwich to Damien.

"Why are you doing this?"

"We aren't doing this, dude," Stan said, shutting the bedroom door. "Cartman tricked us to trick you," he added. "We're going to find a way to get you back to hell soon. It's not like Cartman's plan will work anyway…right?"

Damien shrug. "No one's ever tried. But if my father finds out, it's not going to be pretty."

"We know. We're going to _try _and talk him out of it. But we can't make any promises."

"Right."

They were all waiting for Cartman to come back from whatever he had to do, staring around awkwardly.

"I wonder what's in the DVD player," Kenny said, turning on Cartman's personal TV and hitting the power button on the DVD player perched on top of it. "Dude. No shit he got this idea, he was watching the Nightmare Before Christmas," he said as the menu screen for the aforementioned movie came up.

"Who watches the Nightmare Before Christmas in March?" Kyle asked, looking confused.

"Fucking Cartman," Stan answer, snorting in disbelief.

"I'm home guys," Cartman said, pushing the door open and strolling in, he then stole Kenny's remaining three sandwiches and smiled, looking accomplished.

"This bullshit plan of yours isn't going to work, fatass," Kyle said.

"So up you Goddamn Jew, it's going to fucking work, you're just jealous you didn't think of it first!"

"Why in the fuck would I want to kidnap somebody and become the fucking Anti-Christ, moron?"

"Because being a Jew just isn't cutting it for your greedy fucking Jag-fag self?" Cartman retorted, glaring. "So just shut up and sit down!" he added. "This is _going _to work and you and your faggy life partner aren't going to fucking ruin it, goddamnit!"

"'Life partner'? What the _fuck _Cartman? Just because we can have a functioning friendship doesn't make us gay!" Stan said, sounding alarmed.

He looked to Kyle for support but Kyle just shrugged and nodded.

"Look, Satan is going to be _pissed _when he finds out," Kenny interrupted. "We're going to be in _so _much trouble. We should really just call this off and let Damien go home," he said.

"No! Shut the fuck up, all of you!"

"Why are we even fucking staying?"

"Because there needs to be someone here at all times to make sure he doesn't make any desperate bids for freedom!" Cartman explained, exasperated and pissed off. "Fucking moron Jew," he muttered loudly.

Kyle finally just slugged Cartman hard in the jaw, and he fell backwards off his bed, the two sandwiches he hadn't gotten around to eating flying up and landing on him. Cartman pulled himself off the floor and launched himself at Kyle, and soon the two were rolling around in the floor, punching and kicking and biting (yes, biting) each other as ferociously as possible.

"Does this happen often?" Damien asked, looking from the two fighting to Stan and Kenny.

They both nodded.

--

"Pope Benedict," the advisor said, looking at the pope nervously. Pope Snowball had, unfortunately, died, and Pope Benedict had taken his place (much to the protests of The Hare Club for Men, but who listened to those crackpots anyway?) and been Pope for the past four years.

"What is it, Ted?" he asked.

"We have information that leads us to believe that…" he said, staring at the pope's feet. "The Anti-Christ has come to Earth."

"Where?"

"In South Park, Colorado," he said quickly. "We're dispatching some people to bring him here." He held up a glossy photograph that depecited Damien, looking very uncharacteristically menacing. "We'll have him taken care of."

"He looks like a teenage boy," the pope said, studying the picture. "Are you sure he's the Anti-Christ?"

"Very sure. We'll keep this quiet, but we won't have him running amok and destroying the world, sir."

"Alright then…"

Ted disappeared through a set of doors, presumably to show Damien's picture to the people he was 'dispatching' to bring Damien to the Vatican.

Meanwhile, in Hell, Satan was checking his mail. He came to the final letter, opened it (expecting another piece of pointless fan mail or something trivial) and read. It was a "ransom style" (with letters cut out of newspapers or magazines) letter that read "Ur sun haz ben kid napped ull never C him agin".

Satan yelled out in anger and immediately made arrangements to go to Earth. He would bring Damien home if he had to destroy the entire Earth (which would be fun).

He would take it to the press, he would threaten the state of the entire world, he would go on talk shows.

He would host a telethon.


	3. Chapter 3

Hee

* * *

South Park

Chapter 3: Jesus's Jumbo Jet

* * *

Wendy had gotten Cartman's stupid adoption papers and was currently delivering them to Cartman's house, she had also checked out a thick volume entitled _Everything You Need to Know About Adoption, _for him to look over.

"Who the hell have I turned into, doing Cartman favors?" she muttered as she approached Cartman's house.

She knocked on the door with her free hand, struggling to keep hold of the book as she did. Mrs. Cartman opened the door. She smiled. "Hi! Is Cartman around?" she asked.

"Uh, no, I'm afraid he's run to the store to get some more snacks for his friends. But they're still upstairs, just make yourself at home," Liane said with a calm smile.

"Thank you, Mrs. Cartman," Wendy said, adjusting her hold on the book and walking towards the stairs.

She knocked loudly, and Kyle opened the door after a second. "Oh, hi Wendy," he said. "Fatass isn't here."

"I know, I was just dropping by," she said.

"What's with the book?"

"Cartman asked me to do him a favor." She sat down in an empty chair. "What's that on TV?"

"Satan is holding a telethon because Damien's been kidnapped, and he's trying to figure out where he is. If he doesn't get Damien back before the weekend, he's going to destroy the world," Kenny said nonchalantly.

"I haven't seen him this riled up since he found out his last boyfriend was cheating on him," Damien said, munching on some popcorn.

"B-but Damien's _here!_ We should return him!" Wendy shrieked, dropping the heavy book in alarm.

"We've been trying. But Cartman has informed his mother than none of us are to leave with Damien, as we're all apparently gay serial rapists," Stan said, reaching over and taking some of Damien's popcorn. "And unless we're here with adult and/or his supervision, we'll sodomize Damien until he's irreparably mentally traumatized."

"Which is ironic as Damien's the only gay one in the room," Kenny said.

Kyle broke into a coughing fit, and Stan smacked him on the back. "You alright dude?"

"Fine," he said.

They continued to watch as Satan sobbed into the camera shamelessly, pleading with whatever 'cruel fiend' had taken his son.

"I hate to see him so torn up," Kenny said thoughtfully. "But dude, look at the tits on that reporter," he said, pointing.

Wendy made a disgusted noise.

"They don't compare to yours, Wendy, don't get jealous."

"Oh fuck off Kenny!" she shouted, throwing a stray shoe towards Kenny's head.

He dodged, and there was an odd squeaking sound at the window. Damien looked over and practically jumped away, landing himself in the chair with Wendy.

Ninjas were breaking into Cartman's bedroom.

Stan felt like he recognized these ninjas from somewhere. They filed into the room and pointed guns at all of them.

Their leader came in last and gestured from Damien to the closest ninja. "Get him," he said.

"Hey! Fuck no!" Kenny yelped. "Who are you to take Damien?"

The ninja grabbed Damien by the collar of his shirt and dragged him to the leader.

"We're saving the world from this menace," the leader said from under his hood.

"Menace? He hasn't even done anything!" Wendy shouted, jumping to her feet. "Let him go!"

Not wishing to fight a group of rowdy teenagers, Ted gestured for his ninjas to file out and get back to the private jet. "Don't get yourself involved little girl," he snarled.

The indescribable offense of being called 'little girl' stung for Wendy, and as the jet flew up to meet the leader, she jumped out and into the jet behind him, and before the doors closed, the boys watched in awe as she punched two of the ninjas square in the face.

"Shit," Kyle said as the jet disappeared into the distance. "What are we going to do now? And who the fuck was that?"

"Dude. It was the Vatican," Stan said, still looking perturbed. "The Vatican took the Anti-Christ. And Wendy."

"We need a plan," Kenny said. "Cartman is going to be _so _pissed."

"Right," Kyle said, being the ever-logical one. "Kenny, you go to wherever that telethon is being filmed and let Satan know the Vatican has Damien. Stan and I can break the news to Cartman."

Kenny nodded. "I'll try and get some plane tickets off of him."

"Plane tickets?"

"So we can go to Rome and save them, duh!" Kenny said. "It would be a waste for them to kill Wendy, she has a great ass."

"What about Wendy's ass, Kenny?" Cartman asked from the door, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. He had apparently only just arrived.

"Nothing," Kenny said, shaking his head and walking towards the door. "I have an…errand to run, I'll be back soon."

Cartman let him by and walked into the room, looking at the disheveled state of his room suspiciously. "JEW! Did you let my hostage go free?"

"Dude, no! The _Vatican _came in a stole Damien!" he yelped. "And then they got Wendy too!"

Cartman's eyes got wide. "They…they…stole what I rightfully kidnapped? DAMN THEM!"

"And Satan is threatening to destroy the world if Damien isn't returned by the weekend," Stan cut in. "So we need to get Damien back to Satan as soon as possible, Cartman."

"NO! NO!" Cartman protested. "We're going through with it, fags! Don't even try to ruin my goddamn plan! Why was Wendy here?"

"She had like a book or something she wanted to show you or something," Stan said, narrowing his eyes. Cartman grabbed the fallen book and found exactly what he wanted.

"Yes! Well, guys, I'm gone. Go get Damien back!" Cartman hurried off with the intentions of talking to Satan.

"How are we going to get to the Vatican?" Kyle asked Stan, raising an eyebrow.

"…Pray."

"You think he'll actually help us?" Kyle asked.

"I hope so," Stan said, getting down on his knees and clasping his hands in front of him. "Hey, Jesus? It's Stan and Kyle…again. We _really _need you. Satan is going to destroy the world and the Vatican has kidnapped our friends. I know it's been a while, but I'm _begging _you to come help us."

There was a chord of the Hallelujah Chorus and Jesus materialized. "What's going on, my children?" he asked.

"Thank God!" Stan said, standing back up quickly. "Thanks for coming so fast."

"Satan is planning on destroying the world?"

Kyle and Stan walked over to Jesus and began telling him the story.

--

Kenny had run to the local TV station as fast as he could. "Satan!" he yelled, running up to where Satan was seated.

"Oh, hey Kenny…"

"Satan! The Vatican kidnapped Damien!" he shouted.

"_The Vatican _kidnapped Damien?"

Kenny nodded, he felt that the best approach was not to incriminate him or Cartman, and just blame all of this on the Vatican. "Yeah! They busted into Cartman's room and took him! I think they want to kill him, Satan!"

"What can _I _do about it?"

"Don't even worry Satan," Kyle said, as he, Stan and Jesus appeared. "We're going to go get Damien back from the Vatican."

Satan sniffled. "You- you will?" he asked, looking from the two teenagers to Jesus.

Jesus nodded. "Kidnapping is wrong, no matter who the child is," he said serenely.

Cartman arrived on the scene with a piece of pizza in his hand. "What are you guy doin' here?" he asked, looking annoyed.

"Telling Satan our plan to get Damien and Wendy back!" Kyle snarled at him. "But how are we supposed to get to Italy?" he asked Jesus.

"I have a private jet, I thought I told you."

"No…but sweet!"

"Well, you guys have fun rescuing them," Cartman said.

"Oh fuck no, fatass, you're coming with us," Kyle said, grabbing Cartman's sleeve and pulling him towards the door.

"Satan! If Damien dies in the attempt, consider adopting me as your replacement!" he yelled towards Satan, dropping his huge book and leaving with Stan and Kyle.

"How do you have a private jet?" Kyle asked Jesus as they walked through town.

"I don't know, I just have one."

"Cool."


End file.
